Valencia vs. the Rapids… LIVE!

By: Clint | March 20th, 2007

10:05: On a quarter-inch by quarter-inch piece of real estate in my web browser, no less! The video is so small on my screen I can’t even make out the score. However, since this is soccer, I’m going to make a safe guess that it’s 0-0.

14:00: And Valencia fails to take advantage of a nice opportunity after someone (they are just red blobs and white blobs to me now) from Colorado chops down a Valencia player from behind just outside the box. A cynical foul! (I’ve always wanted to say that) However, the low cross fails to connect with Morientes, or whoever is playing the “white blob up front” position for Valencia.

24:50: Three things have remained constant all game: 1) the absolute boredom exuded by the announcing team (which I somehow understand despite my incredibly weak Spanish skillz); 2) the ball has remained in the Colorado half, usually within 25 feet of goal; 3) the stadium is about 30% full and this isn’t a Los Angeles situation where fans are trickling in throughout the first half. Joaquin is tearing up the Rapids defense, getting some decent crosses in but there has been a lack of quality finishing so far.

32:00: Shots on Goal: Colorado - 0; Valencia - Infinity

34:00: And just like that del Horno scores on a set piece. A very amateurish challenge a couple feet from the top of the box resulted in another free kick for Valencia. While Zach (I think it was Zach, he looked like a taller blob than the others) was setting up the wall, the ref stepped away from the ball and del Horno took a low, curling shot that easily went around the wall (by several feet) and slowly rolled into goal while the Rapids stood and watched. That was either cheating or just about the worst preparation of all time. Valencia 1 - Colorado 0

36:00 A strong move in the Valencia box (by Hernandez, I believe) resulted in a sloppy tackle and a penalty given. Kirovski calmly puts the ball into the old onion basket (as they would say were this match being broadcast on ESPN2 right now). Valencia 1 - Colorado 1

40:15 - I believe Ihemelu was the red blob who committed the foul, but the result was clear - penalty kick to Valencia. And Joaquin continues his fine play to put the home side ahead. They showed a close-up of three Rapids goalkeepers defending that penalty. Oh wait, that was just Zach. I think he went to the Shaquile O’Neal fitness camp this off-season. Valencia 2 - Colorado 1

42:30 - Lovely play up the right side (where the defense has been as porous as a generic diaper) as Joaquin slices through the red blobs and crosses to Romero for the fine, though undefended, goal. Valencia 3 - Colorado 1

46:00 - And we’re back. After 15 minutes of seeing Orson Wells and Jim Carey dubbed over into Spanish, I think I can safely speak for all 2 of us who are watching this when I say “it’s about f’ing time!!”. I half expected the score to be 8-1 by now, so I’m pretty proud of the hometown boys at this point. Once they put Keel in, we’ll score 12 straight - just wait and see!

54:30 - Joaquin, despite being seven miles offside, does the most casual fake and walks around Zach to score again. They’d better get him out of the game before some cheap injury comes up. This is like playing Dwayne Wade in a exhibition match vs. the Ecuadorian national team. Valencia 4 - Colorado 1

56:00 - Respectability! Beckham scores for Colorado! When did he join the team??? Oh wait, it’s BeckERman. Can I take the over on the number times he gets mistaken for Beckham on local newscasts throughout the rest of 2007? Valencia 4 - Colorado 2

65:10 - KEEL HAS COME INTO THE GAME. REPEAT - KEEL HAS ENTERED THE GAME. Please sit down, fasten your seatbelts, and prepare to get BLOWN AWAY.

67:00 - What did I tell you??? The impact was IMMEDIATE! Cross gets pinballed around and lands on Kirovski’s head and, ultimately, in the back of the net. This is a homecoming for me since Kirovski was my favorite player in the early days of MLS. How is that a homecoming? I’m not really sure. That may have been a stupid thing for me to say. Valencia 4 - Keel and co. 3

71:10 - I don’t know what I missed while I was getting some more coffee, but I’m going to assume Keel was awesome the entire time.

74:45 - Guerra (doesn’t that mean “war”?) heads the ball inches away from the post. Sorry pal, not this year! Now you know why they call them ‘rapids’ and not ’slopids’ (to quote Ned Flanders).

76:30 - Oh dear, Zach just ate the ball. The ref has run off to the Spanish version of Dick’s Sporting Goods to buy a replacement. BeckERman entertains the crowd with his Cobi Jones impersonation.

86:00 - GOOOAALLLL KEEL!!! Ok, maybe not. Despite several chances for Valencia, the lack of Joaquin has probably ended the watchability of the rest of this game.

90:00 - And the end comes to a surprisingly good game. A bit sloppy, but that’s to be expected. With a couple more productive plays, the Rapids could have pulled out a victory. But, by the same token, if the close-call shots Valencia missed had gone in, it probably would have been 10-3. So, all in all, a 4-3 result for Valencia is nothing to sneeze at for Colorado. Now let’s see the Rapids come home and teach Adu-run-run a few things in Vegas (stay away from the Spearmint Rhino, Keel!).