The Great 2007 Hair Off

By: Clint | February 27th, 2007

…or, Who Has the Worst Hair in MLS.

Being inspired by the mirror this morning, and further motivated by three straight hours of status meetings, I’ve come up with two players from each team that appear to have animals living on top of their head. Actually, to make sure the maximum number of people read this entry, let me just add “Thailand, Food, Local Transport, Weird Crap”. There - instant traffic!

Since this IS a Rapids blog, it’s appropriate to start off with Colorado’s best:

Terry Cooke, yes THE Terry Cooke from Man U. who is still a teen in my version of Championship Manager. His hairstyle was created the day his agent told him what he can expect to earn in the MLS.

Kyle Beckerman, easily the favorite (at least for now). I wondered why people brought shields with mirrors in them to Rapids games last year. Now I know why.

Moving on to Da Fire:

Jim Curtin, who looks astoundingly like my childhood buddy, Jon Snydal. Well, if Jon had grown up in a barn. I wonder if Jim is related to Jane Curtin?

Calen Carr, who - wait a minute! MLS isn’t a coed league!

What about L.A.? The land of the beautiful people. Land of the Chivas.

Matthew Taylor. Is. The Ice Man! Coming soon to CBC.

Sacha Kljestan has a cool name, but his hair… well, you know what. It ain’t that bad. Neither is Matthew Taylor’s. I think it’s MPB jealousy on my part.

Across the country, the Columbus Crew have more than two candidates, but for the sake of consistency…

Danny Szetela kind of looks like the back of his head is on fire, doesn’t he?

Eddie Gaven. FFFWWAAHHHH!!

Down south, the Dallas team had better all look like J.R. Ewing.

Blake Wagner sports the modified-Musketeer look.

Clarence Goodson - wait a minute! Weren’t you the stoned tech guy from my high school theater club?

One thing DC United has, apart from a pretty good team, is a lot of boring hairstyles. As a straight guy, this was the best I could do in my evaluation.

Brian Carroll looks like he’s just having a bad hair day, but since I couldn’t find any worse on the DC Uniteds of Washington, he’ll have to do.

Rod Dyachenko isn’t really hair-challenged BUT he does have a strong Nosferatu thing going on.

I’m running out of ideas. And with that, heeerrre’s Houston!

Kelly Gray has a Cocker Spaniel ‘do.

While Wade Barrett reminds me of that guy from the tv show “Hotel”. What? THAT’S James Brolin? Wow, I never knew what he looked like before. Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

There is definitely something weird in the BBQ sauce in Kansas City. Check out:

Nick Garcia and his Patty Duke hairstyle.

Will John and the little mushrooms growing out of his head.

And the bonus KC star - Lance Watson, who proves that even the “Little People” of our great nation can earn a living in MLS.

A return to LA gives us the candidates from the LA Beckhams.

15 minutes into a game, Albright looks like an orangutan. This photo does not reflect reality.

This photo, however, does. Cobi went from one of the hippest looking athletes in America to Whoopi Goldberg in less than five years.

New England’s bad hair is not limited to Tom Brady and Acie Earl.

Shalrie Joseph, my main squid!

Tony Lochhead? How about Spongebob Tonypants? That is unless he’s got these growing out of his melon.

In New York, the high proportion of stylists-to-athletes appears to be a good thing.

Eric Denton just looks too late-80s to me. Ok, I’ll admit it was tough to find two bad haircuts on the MetrosexualStars.

Markus Schopp. I take that earlier comment back. THIS is a late 80s hairstyle. Are the 80s already retro?

Real Salt Lake. And now we’re heading towards the home stretch.

Jeff Cunningham’s hair isn’t that bad, but the main needs a pick, stat.

Kenny Cutler. Uh oh. UH OH. We may have a winner!!!

And we wrap up with the newest MLS team, the Toronto Raptors. Or, whatever they’re called. FC Toronto? Is that it? Well, I’ll start paying attention to them as soon they sign Steve Nash, how’s that?

Chris Pozniak, just go ahead and move to Glasgow right now.

Jose Cancela should play for the New York Red Bull New Jersey Metrostars since he already has the wings.

So in conclusion, is it really possible to tell which MLS player has the worst haircut? In this man’s eyes the answer is… yes, it’s Kenny Cutler. But what do YOU think?